Your Only Presence Comforts Me..

"People feel like they don't deserve love...walking away quietly into empty spaces trying to close gaps to the past"

That, slapped me in the face. Awakened me from a very long sleep. Shook my entire universe (oke lebay)

Where did I find that? Why did it do so to me? 

I found that quote from a forum in a website about Christopher McCandless, the Supertramp. Someone was asking what that quote meant. I read the reply, and it was exactly the reason why I was so astounded reading it (you can read it here)

no, I wasn't abused. And no, I wasn't ostracized for being different. Well, at least that was what I thought. Maybe, because of rejection? Maybe. I can't recall one time I was being rejected. But maybe it happened under my conscience. Maybe someone had rejected me, without me knowing...without me, understanding what happened. Maybe I was taken aback. I refused to know that I was rejected, so I lied to myself. Deluded myself from the truth. Thinking, "oh everyone went through that, I'm not the only one treated that way". Maybe, that was only a lie I created for myself, to protect myself from getting hurt.

I've always thought of solitude, without knowing why I thought of that matter. I've always been too comfortable being alone. Maybe, that was the problem : I avoid rejection, so I chose to be alone.

and yes, I don't talk much when I'm around people I know. Even with my friends, I don't talk much unless I'm forced to talk. But you know what, their only presence has already comforts me. I don't need them to talk to me, I only need their presence.

But sometimes, they can't accept that. They don't want to be around someone they can't talk to. So yes, they do leave me. And that, made me feel rejected. But I was so deluded that I considered it as a normal behavior of them.

Dammit, I feel so pathetic right now. I pity myself. Good thing no one reads this blog.

found this picture from the internet. pretty much described what I feel right now.